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My friend said his dog retrieved a
Frisbee he threw over a mile away
—I don't know, that seems
pretty far-fetched.


I asked my girlfriend to hand
me the newspaper.
She said, "Don't be silly,
use my iPad!"
That spider never knew what hit him.

 

NOAH'S WIFE:
"Honey, we're out of food."
NOAH:
"Don't worry babe,
I have a contingency plan."
UNICORN:
"Why are you lookin' at me
like that?"


"Please remove your shoes."
ME: Don't be ridiculous,
I'm not a terrorist!
"Sir, do you want to use the
bouncy castle or not?"


This forest scent air freshener
is really working great.
Two bears and a raccoon have
moved into my living room.


The best thing about telepathy is...
I know, right?

 

I broke a light bulb today.
Seven years of bad ideas?

 

Apparently, I snore so loud
it scares everyone riding in my car.

 

When I was young,
I was afraid of the dark.
I just got my electric bill and
now I'm afraid of the light.

 

Anything worth doing
is worth doing rihgt.

 

WIFE TEXT:
My windows frozen.
HUSBAND:
Try a bucket of warm water.
WIFE:
Thanks, now my whole
computer doesn't work.

 

I wanna be buried in a
spring-loaded coffin with
tons of confetti.
In the future, some archaeologist
is gonna have an awesome day.

 

I usually don't spank children
in Walmart but yours were
just asking for it.

 

My doctor told me to avoid
unnecessary stress,
so I stopped going to doctors.

 

Someone recently called me a
shameless self-promoter.
Can you believe it?
Me... Barry Hanson...
dot com

 

I didn't make it to the gym today.
Dang, that makes five years in a row.